Written on Thursday, July 20, 2006 by Jessica
I'm a breastfeeding failure. My nipples are horribly sore, probably due to nipple confusion -- which of course is my own fault, because I opted to bottle feed what I'd pumped instead of using the SNS (supplemental nursing system). Granted, we used a special nipple called a Haberman, which is designed to mimic breastfeeding, but it's not the same. I guess I was so grateful to Bob for his help with night feedings that I didn't want to ask him to use the more time-consuming SNS -- which is stupid b/c he would have used it without complaint.
Worse, I gave into pressure to use a pacifier. I didn't want to seem like a paranoid first-time mom.
No surprise that my milk production isn't enough. I make enough in the morning, but it declines all day long until finally he's waking up every hour to eat during the night. (It's amazing how many parenting decisions are influenced by fatigue. I don't think I would've used a pacifier if not for being exhausted. Now I'm paying for it.)
Even though I wasn't looking forward to breastfeeding, I never expected to be bad at it. I read the blogs of lots of successful breastfeeders, and I just don't know how they do it. I want to blame other factors: the c-section, which prevented me from establishing breastfeeding immediately; NICU for giving him a pacifier and bottle; the pediatrician, who prescribed formula while he was in NICU. But it's no use. I'm a breastfeeding failure, and it's no one's fault but my own. It's a miserable feeling.