Unbelievably funny


Written on Monday, March 26, 2007 by Jessica

This is going to be one of those had-to-be-there things, but you'll be able to appreciate some of the humor, I'm sure.

I received this in my e-mail today, a letter to Procter and Gamble:

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f***ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness -- is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and KahlĂșa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Poor Wendi. She accidentally bought a box branded for teens:

Hey, don't forget to wish your friends a happy period:

When I discovered that this slogan -- have a happy period -- was real, well, my friends and I were crying tears of laughter. The e-cards had us rolling on the floor. Like I said, you had to be there.

DNA test ordered for Anna Nicole Smith's baby - CNN.com


Written on Monday, March 26, 2007 by Jessica

DNA test ordered for Anna Nicole Smith's baby - CNN.com

Thank god. I'm glad this long ordeal is finally over. These DNA tests will finally prove what I've known all along but haven't said publicly -- until now: I am Dannielynn's father.

Obesity is dangerous, stop it


Written on Friday, March 23, 2007 by Jessica

I'm really enjoying the Anatrim spam I've been getting.

Anatrim – The up-to-the-moment and most delighting flesh loss product available – As told on Oprah

Do you understand that superfluous body kilograms kill very much people every year? We believe that you hate the unsightly appearance of those people and the social bias against them. Moreover, you have not the will to resist a pressure of your baneful eating habits. If you see it sounds familiar, then we have something for you!

Introducing Anatrim, the ultimate product for the elimination of your body’s extra weight. The most amazing thing is that Anatrim raises the quality of your life, repressing the feeling of hunger and giving you better spirit. Note what people say to us on this product:

"It’s outstanding! Instead of watching TV constantly and always glutting myself with food I became more interested in doing sport. Anatrim made me stride on confidently. I have a great figure now and lots of men fix their eyes on me!"

Amelia B., San Diego

"I tried some passive weight burning, but to no purpose. This terrible hunger would just rush in and spoil everything. Once I was told on Anatrim my very best friend by and I rather liked the information. I had attempted using it, and my wife said to me I look very good now, 3 months later. 32 pounds off and I keep still losing them! And you know, it’s rather hot in our bedroom now."

Steve Burbon, New York

Anatrim gives you an opportunity to understand that you doesn’t have such a great need for the constant eating. It raises your mood up, supplies you with additional energy, and attacks useless kilos. Especial thanks to its mighty newly-elaborated formula!!

Find out more useful information on this excellent product now!

The results are in


Written on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 by Jessica

Hey, Trump, you're fired. You, too, Cramer.

We have a tie for the most annoying television personality. Donald Trump and Jim Cramer took nearly a third of votes cast -- each.

4% Carrot Top
8% Dick Vitale
8% Dog the Bounty Hunter
32% Donald Trump

4% Emeril Lagasse
32% Jim Cramer
4% John Madden
0% Richard Simmons
0% Ron Popeil
4% Tony Little

See the pretty bar chart here.

Now's your chance. Who did I miss? What superannoying television personality was not on the list? I can't believe I didn't include Billy Mays, that annoying guy in OxiClean commercials.

You'll love the new, non-obese you


Written on Monday, March 19, 2007 by Jessica

Anatrim – The latest and most exciting product for over-weight people is now readily available – As shown on BBC.

Do you retain all the situations when you appeal to yourself to do anything for being delivered from this fastly growing pounds of fat? Fortunately, now no great price is to be paid. With Anatrim, the earth-shaking pound-melting medley, you can get healthier mode of life and become really thinner. Have a look at what people state!

"It’s rather difficult to confess but I was an awful food addict. I ate all this trash and could not stop. This misery left off when I started taking Anatrim! Oh, God, my appetite decreased, spirits improved and I turned to the happiest person 17 pounds in 2.3 months. I can tell you now I became the happiest person!"

Linda F., Washington

"I had problems with over-weight since a boy. You can't even fancy how I hated being mocked at school. I hated my plumpness and I detested myself. After trying many different remedies I found out about Anatrim. It literally dragged me out of this dreadful nightmare! Many and many thanks to you, my friends."

Charley Mock, New York

"You know what? Thanks to Anatrim my marriage was saved! I got into the circle, depression – eating more – even more depression. My wife was about to leave me as I was turning in overweight psycho. My friend pointed to your web site and I asked for pack of Anatrim as soon as it was possible. The results were excellent, my appetite came to acceptable level, I was in good spirits oftener, and, be sure, I tightened my belt with no regrets. And you see me, the bedroom became cool, too!"


There many and many thanks delighted people leave after trying Anatrim. Don’t you wanna add yourself to the tens of thousands of slim people and try this all-natural appetite-suppressing energy increasing product now!
Do not lose the opportunity!

Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly


Written on Thursday, March 15, 2007 by Jessica

You may recall that I recently put my car into a snowbank and damaged it. The event has put me to mind of a trip with Grandma down to Aunt Cindy's house a couple of years ago.

We were tooling along the highway at a comfortable speed, but to my great annoyance, a semi truck was spitting slush all over our windshield. I wanted so very much to get around that semi, but I didn't want to drive any faster than we already were. Nonetheless, when the road widened to accommodate a passing lane, I took advantage and white-knuckled my way through the slush and past the truck. Disaster struck as I eased back into the lane.

The rear tires lost their grip, and we found ourself careening across four lanes of traffic. I shouted, "Oh, shit!" and Grandma cried, "Jesus save us!"

You heard me: Jesus save us.

I don't know how we didn't get hit. Maybe Jesus heard Grandma's plea for divine intervention. If so, it would seem that he also (kindly) ignored my vulgar interjection.

In any case, we were safe. We were on the other side of the road facing in the opposite direction, but we were safe. No damage to the car, either, which was a tremendous relief. How in the world could I tell Grandpa that I wrecked his car? Thankfully, I wouldn't have to figure that one out.

The remainder of the trip was uneventful, but Grandma was skittish, glancing often at the speedometer and offering helpful comments such as, "It's a 60-mph zone up ahead," "It's getting a little snowy," and, "The roads aren't so great right here." Eventually, she wondered what we'd tell Aunt Cindy, to which I replied, "I'm not gonna tell her a thing. I'm not going to broadcasting to everyone that I put the car into the ditch. You can tell her if you want, but I'm not saying a word."

"Me, neither," she responded. "What does she need to know for?" After a few moments she added quietly, "No one needs to know."

The next morning Aunt Cindy asked, "So what's this I hear you went into the ditch?"

I knew Grandma wouldn't be able to contain such a tale.

Aunt Cindy elaborated, "Last night, after midnight, when I was nearly asleep, I heard this teeny, tiny little whisper: 'We almost didn't make it. We almost died!'"

Now, you might think the story ends here, but certainly not----because even though we barely survived the trip down to Aunt Cindy's, when the weekend was over we still had to drive three hours home again, and a three hour drive is even longer when you have to drive the speed limit.

Grandma remained skittish. She continued to glance at the speedometer every moment or two, wondering just how fast I was going. Obviously too fast, what with the buildings sailing by at a blinding pace. Never mind that other vehicles were whizzing by like we were standing still. Before long, I heard a clicking noise.

Click, click. Clickity click click.

What in the world?

Click clicky click.

It continued for several minutes. I had no idea what it was. Click click. Certainly not the car. Clickity click. It was coming from inside the car. Click click.

Suddenly, with a quiet "Amen" from Grandma, its origin became clear: She was praying on the rosary. My driving terrified her, and to ensure safe delivery home, she resorted to praying to the mother of God. I saw her place the beads back in the center console.

I thought about all the times I've sat in the passenger seat, scared to death because Baby's Daddy was driving like a maniac, trying not to stomp on the imaginary brake in the passenger seat. And while I might dispute such a characterization of my driving, Grandma probably wouldn't. So I slowed down to five under, and we made it home without further incident.

Maybe someday she'll consent to ride with me again, but surely not without her trusty rosary and perhaps a shiny new guardian angel pin.

What a difference a half-year makes


Written on Wednesday, March 14, 2007 by Jessica

Autumn: What? It's 45 degrees out?? Aw, man, I'm going to have to find my coat.

Spring: It's 45 degrees? Woo hoo! I don't have to wear a coat today!

Today's special


Written on Wednesday, March 14, 2007 by Jessica

Today's special is artificial sustenance with a side a failure and dollop of disappointment. For our drink special we have guilt on tap, enough to swim in.

Formula has found its way onto the menu today. Freezer stores are gone, production hasn't increased. So formula it is.

On a rational level, I realize that formula isn't the end of the world, but that didn't keep me from crying yesterday when it became clear that I wouldn't make enough milk for today.

I might as well tell everyone the truth. I'm pretty insecure about being a mom (who isn't?), and breastfeeding was one thing I could point to as having done right. I might've had drugs during delivery, but by god, I breastfed. I might do a million things to cause irreversible emotional damage as he grows up, but at least I breastfed.

All the obstacles, pain, and difficulty -- well, they served to increase my pride for sticking with it. And now it's slipping away. I didn't make the year mark. Is my milk going to continue to dwindle to nothing?

I'm not giving up, not yet. I have More Milk Plus on order. I might even try Lactuca Virosa.

This post is such a downer I'm going to have a make a point of posting something a little happier.

F*** DST


Written on Monday, March 12, 2007 by Jessica

I hate daylight saving time (DST). Springing forward is just wrong. I gotta say, though, that I love it with DST ends. That falling back business is awesome. I loves me an extra hour of sleep. We should always fall back. It's nicer (so says my sister).

Of course, I already know that it'll be years before I can enjoy falling back again. What is it with babies? Don't they know that falling back means an extra hour of sleep??

Pain at the pump


Written on Monday, March 12, 2007 by Jessica

Each day, I'm not pumping enough milk to cover the next day. My freezer stores are nearly exhausted. Over the last few days, I've been taking herbs, drinking more water, eating oatmeal, pumping more often and engaging in extra long nursing sessions to no avail.

In the past, herbs have resulted in a nearly instant boost. I don't know why they're not working as well now. I'm really worried. In the past, even when I had trouble keeping up via pumping, I still had enough milk for nursing. But lately he's been nursing for loooooong stretches and fussing as if he's not happy with the amount of milk he's getting. I've never encountered this before, even during growth spurts.

If something doesn't change soon, Seth will be drinking formula the day after tomorrow. I know, I know. Big deal, right? But it's my goal is to keep him formula free, and I'm about to fail. It's a lousy feeling.

He only sleeps when held


Written on Thursday, March 08, 2007 by Jessica

I don't know how this happened. Until very recently, he would fall asleep and we would put him in his crib. And he would stay asleep. Over the past couple of weeks, he has suddenly started waking up the moment we try to put him down.

I know some people will say we've spoiled him. That we should've started sleep training at four months (i.e., one of many variations of "cry it out"), but we decided that wasn't for us. We wanted him to know that we'd always be there for him and he could depend on us. We didn't want him to have to learn to soothe himself to sleep.

So the question is, am I now paying the price for bad parenting? Did I make the wrong choice? Should I have taught him to be able to sleep independently?

Or maybe this is just a phase. He was sick a couple of weeks ago when this all started, and I know that some babies' sleep patterns get messed up after being sick. In fact, many parents who opted for sleep training have to retrain after an illness.

I hate this -- being wracked with indecision. The sleep trainers say, "You have to teach him good sleep habits now. If you don't, he'll never learn how to fall asleep by himself. A little crying is better for him in the long run. It helps him grow into a healthy, independent adult." The attachment-parenting types say, "Babies have been rocked to sleep by their parents for millennia. If you let them cry, you teach them that they can't count on you. You negatively affect the parent-child bond. And don't worry about all those dire predictions from the sleep trainers. Your child will learn to sleep just fine, and without requiring harsh cry-it-out methods."

got milk?


Written on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 by Jessica

Nope. I'm having supply issues, mostly because I'm not diligent about pumping while I'm at work. I should pump three times during the nine hours I spend here each day, but I usually pump only twice, and sometimes only once. The tedium of it is terrible.

Boo hoo. Poor pitiful me. I'll take some cheese with my whine, thank you, but no wine with my cheese -- I'm nursing.

Poll results


Written on Tuesday, March 06, 2007 by Jessica

If you can believe it, some people actually dislike the word "shish kabob." What do you think?

14% Love it! It's even better than "sycophant," "sundry," and "ducky."
29% Hate it! It's even worse than "snot," "blubber," and "gut."
14% Isn't is spelled "shish kebab?"
43% Who cares? They're yummy!

See the pretty bar graph

Alleged crazy dude


Written on Monday, March 05, 2007 by Jessica

The guy in this article, Suspect arrested in wife's dismemberment - CNN.com, is allegedly crazy for allegedly cutting up his wife. Well, I have lots of proof that he is in fact crazy.

First of all, he allegedly cuts up his wife in Detroit and then flees north. (North to practically my backyard, by the way. The article names my county, Emmet. I live only two miles from Bliss township. The alleged crazy dude is recovering from hypothermia at the local hospital, which is only three miles from where I'm where I'm sitting now. Gee, we're famous. It was CNN's top story yesterday, so the locals are all aflutter.)

But I digress. I'm supposed to be proving he's nuts. Who flees north to a barren, peopleless wilderness? Go south where there are people and you can blend in! Go south where it's warm (especially if you plan to huddle under a tree in just your shirt, pants and socks -- no wonder he's hypothermic and frostbitten). Go south where you're not trapped by water on three sides! He must've forgotten that Michigan is peninsula.

Okay, okay. You're right. I haven't proven he's crazy. All I've proven is that he's stupid. However, take a look at this photo and tell me he's not a psychopath:

UPDATE: CNN has changed the article. Sigh. I always forget that they change articles related to developing stories. It no longer mentions Bliss township. The local sheriff is no longer quoted as extensively. I guess his fifteen minutes of fame is about up. I wish I would've thought to quote some of the info. At least then it wouldn't sound like I was making stuff up. :)