The Archives

Written on Sunday, October 12, 2008 by Jessica

Here's a fun one from the blog archives: "How drunk do you have to be?"

Posted in Darn funny, Defy comprehension | Comment Now!

Clever but Wrong: How to fail math and science tests with dignity

Written on Tuesday, August 26, 2008 by Jessica

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Rate your marriage

Written on Monday, August 18, 2008 by Jessica

Here's a fun marital rating system from 1939, and it actually appears to be real.

Posted in Darn funny, Miscellany | Comment Now!

Gotta see it to believe it

Written on Monday, July 21, 2008 by Jessica

Personally, I dislike waiting for videos to load, but I promise you: this video is worth it.

Posted in Darn funny, Defy comprehension, Motherhood | Comment Now!

Quotation of the day

Written on Monday, June 30, 2008 by Jessica

Okay, maybe not timely, but still funny.

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush

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Bill Clinton for Obama

Written on Friday, March 07, 2008 by Jessica

It turns out that President Clinton is actually an Obama supporter! :) Who knew??

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Diebold accidentally leaks results of 2008 election

Written on Wednesday, March 05, 2008 by Jessica

I haven't even listened to the clip yet, but the headline is so funny that I just had to post it.


Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

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Men have better friends

Written on Wednesday, February 27, 2008 by Jessica

Friendship among women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's ten best friends, eight of whom confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.

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Security questions

Written on Thursday, February 21, 2008 by Jessica

One time I couldn't remember my password to access my online account with my health insurance company. To retrieve my password, I had to answer a security question. "What was the make and model of your first car?"

Easy. Chevy Cavalier.

Wrong. Oh, wait. Must be "Chevrolet Cavalier."

Nope, still wrong. What the heck. Oh, many it's case sensitive. "chevy cavalier."

Wrong again. After the third failed try, my account was locked, so I had to call customer service. Bugger, bugger, bugger!

Would you like to hear the answer that I myself supplied to the question? You're not gonna believe this:

1984 Chevrolet Cavalier Station Wagon

What on earth was I thinking? (Or perhaps more accurately, how dumb can you get??)

Suddenly, I remembered that I had decided to be veeeeery specific, because, after all, we were dealing with my precious supersecret insurance records. Right.

Anyhow, I thought of this incident as I read this darn funny article today about just this situation.

Posted in Darn funny, How dumb can you get? | Comment Now!

I love spam

Written on Wednesday, January 23, 2008 by Jessica

Yes, the e-mail variety. Where else could I learn such priceless maxims as:

A penis is a terrible thing to waste.

It is indeed.

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MOM stands for mean old mother

Written on Wednesday, January 09, 2008 by Jessica

Spotted this article today:

After finding alcohol in her son's car, [Jane Hambleton] decided to sell the car and share her 19-year-old's misdeed with everyone -- by placing an ad in the local newspaper.

The ad reads: "OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet."

The son claims a friend left it there. I wonder if they're still friends.

Posted in Darn funny, Motherhood | Comment Now!

Funniest "you had to be there" joke ever

Written on Monday, December 10, 2007 by Jessica

Let me set the scene. It won't help because, as I said, you had to be there.

A coworker was logging into a slow web site. "Faster than a continental glacier," he quipped, to which I replied, "You're too generous. Faster than a tectonic plate, maybe, but not a continental glacier." We both laughed because we work for a software company; therefore, we are geeks.

Another coworker then chimed in with, "What does a tectonic plate say while riding on the back of a continental glacier?"

Give up?

Answer: Wheeeeeeeee!

Hey, I already warned you that you had to be there.

Posted in Darn funny, Miscellany | Comment Now!

Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life

Written on Monday, October 22, 2007 by Jessica

"I have not survived against all odds. I have not lived to tell. I have not witnessed the extraordinary. This is my story."
--Amy Krouse Rosenthal

Posted in Darn funny, Quotations | Comment Now!

Church of Google

Written on Friday, October 19, 2007 by Jessica

This is just too funny. I'm thinking of converting to a new religion!! :)
http://www.thechurchofgoogle.org/

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E-mail humor

Written on Thursday, April 05, 2007 by Jessica

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, three finalists remained. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replied, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. He came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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Unbelievably funny

Written on Monday, March 26, 2007 by Jessica

This is going to be one of those had-to-be-there things, but you'll be able to appreciate some of the humor, I'm sure.

I received this in my e-mail today, a letter to Procter and Gamble:

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f***ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness -- is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Poor Wendi. She accidentally bought a box branded for teens:
http://www.beinggirl.com/en_US/happy/pages/index.jsp

Hey, don't forget to wish your friends a happy period:
http://www.beinggirl.com/en_US/happy/pages/ecards.jsp

When I discovered that this slogan -- have a happy period -- was real, well, my friends and I were crying tears of laughter. The e-cards had us rolling on the floor. Like I said, you had to be there.

Posted in Darn funny, Rants | Comment Now!

Obesity is dangerous, stop it

Written on Friday, March 23, 2007 by Jessica

Do you understand that superfluous body kilograms kill very much people every year? We believe that you hate the unsightly appearance of those people and the social bias against them. Moreover, you have not the will to resist a pressure of your baneful eating habits. If you see it sounds familiar, then we have something for you!

Introducing Anatrim, the ultimate product for the elimination of your body’s extra weight. The most amazing thing is that Anatrim raises the quality of your life, repressing the feeling of hunger and giving you better spirit. Note what people say to us on this product:

"It’s outstanding! Instead of watching TV constantly and always glutting myself with food I became more interested in doing sport. Anatrim made me stride on confidently. I have a great figure now and lots of men fix their eyes on me!"

Amelia B., San Diego

"I tried some passive weight burning, but to no purpose. This terrible hunger would just rush in and spoil everything. Once I was told on Anatrim my very best friend by and I rather liked the information. I had attempted using it, and my wife said to me I look very good now, 3 months later. 32 pounds off and I keep still losing them! And you know, it’s rather hot in our bedroom now."

Steve Burbon, New York

Anatrim gives you an opportunity to understand that you doesn’t have such a great need for the constant eating. It raises your mood up, supplies you with additional energy, and attacks useless kilos. Especial thanks to its mighty newly-elaborated formula!!

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You'll love the new, non-obese you

Written on Monday, March 19, 2007 by Jessica

Do you retain all the situations when you appeal to yourself to do anything for being delivered from this fastly growing pounds of fat? Fortunately, now no great price is to be paid. With Anatrim, the earth-shaking pound-melting medley, you can get healthier mode of life and become really thinner. Have a look at what people state!

"It’s rather difficult to confess but I was an awful food addict. I ate all this trash and could not stop. This misery left off when I started taking Anatrim! Oh, God, my appetite decreased, spirits improved and I turned to the happiest person 17 pounds in 2.3 months. I can tell you now I became the happiest person!"

Linda F., Washington

"I had problems with over-weight since a boy. You can't even fancy how I hated being mocked at school. I hated my plumpness and I detested myself. After trying many different remedies I found out about Anatrim. It literally dragged me out of this dreadful nightmare! Many and many thanks to you, my friends."

Charley Mock, New York

"You know what? Thanks to Anatrim my marriage was saved! I got into the circle, depression – eating more – even more depression. My wife was about to leave me as I was turning in overweight psycho. My friend pointed to your web site and I asked for pack of Anatrim as soon as it was possible. The results were excellent, my appetite came to acceptable level, I was in good spirits oftener, and, be sure, I tightened my belt with no regrets. And you see me, the bedroom became cool, too!"

Mike

There many and many thanks delighted people leave after trying Anatrim. Don’t you wanna add yourself to the tens of thousands of slim people and try this all-natural appetite-suppressing energy increasing product now!
Do not lose the opportunity!

Posted in Darn funny, Spam | Comment Now!

Blast from the not-too-distant past

Written on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 by Jessica

Remember these babies?

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Dripping

Written on Monday, February 19, 2007 by Jessica

I watched Sherri's kids on Saturday and Sunday. Her little guy, Thomas, is quite the little helper, frequently informing me of Seth's current status:

"Jessica, your baby's crying."
"Jessica, your baby's coughing."

And my favorite, when he spotted a bunch of drool on Seth's chin:
"Jessica, your baby's dripping."

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