Written on Tuesday, August 12, 2008 by Jessica
Should've gone to FreeCreditReport.com.
I could've seen this coming at me like an atom bomb.
Okay, does anyone ever see an atom bomb coming at them? Isn't an atom bomb actually one of those "never knew what hit 'em" situations? If so, that means that, by their own admission, it doesn't help a whit to sign up for FreeCreditReport.com.
Sorry. I know I should get a life, but it's been bugging me for awhile.
Posted in
Miscellany,
Rants
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Written on Thursday, June 12, 2008 by Jessica
We got our stimulus check in the mail today, weeks early!
Except it's not my stimulus check. It's an ad from O'Connors Chrysler Dodge Jeep in Pickford, Michigan. Well, congratulations, O'Connors. Your stupid stunt worked. I noticed your flier and I opened it. Of course, you've royally pissed me off in the process. What good is that?
I'd really like the meet the marketing geniuses who came up with this plan. I guess there was a group of people sitting around a table in a room, and someone said, "I know. Let's piss off all the potential customers." Someone else shouted, "Brilliant!" and everyone else nodded their head in agreement.
Mental note: Never buy a car from O'Connors in Pickford.
Posted in
Defy comprehension,
How dumb can you get?,
Rants
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Written on Friday, May 09, 2008 by Jessica
A spammer is spoofing my email address at work. This means that, among other things, all the undeliverable e-mail spam is being returned to me. How nice.
Thank you, Spammer. I'm really enjoying all the extra crap in my inbox.
Posted in
Miscellany,
Rants
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Written on Wednesday, April 23, 2008 by Jessica
Microsoft Windows is so annoying that a website, annoyances.org, is devoted entirely to helping people deal all the irritations of life with Windows.
My current annoyance? When copying a whole bunch of files, why, oh why, does Windows stop copying if it encounters a file of the same name? I usually run into this with the Thumbs.db file. I might have 20 minutes left on the copy, so I leave the computer and expect Windows to be all done when I come back. But no! I return to find a prompt that is asking me if I want to replace the old file with the new one. Why can't Windows just set that file aside and continue copying? I now have 17 minutes left in the copy.
Posted in
Rants
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Written on Monday, March 31, 2008 by Jessica
My sister wrote a little about free trials, so I'm adding my two cents. I hate it when you can sign up for a free trial online, but you have to call them to cancel it. Once time I signed both Bob and me up for a credit watch service. The whole point was to get free credit reports for the both of us. (This was back before the Congress enacted a law entitling everyone to a free credit report annually.)
Anyhow, I signed each of us up for the trial and naturally forgot to cancel. Then I discovered I'd have to call to cancel. I hate that! To make matters worse, they wouldn't let me cancel Bob's account. They had to speak to him personally. Hey, I signed him up. He didn't even know about the account, but he had to be the one to cancel. I didn't complain about it b/c I figured I must have agreed to terms of service stating that I was the person the account was being opened for. (Of course, nowadays I can just use my manly voice to impersonate him.)
Posted in
Rants
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Written on Thursday, January 03, 2008 by Jessica
I'm a bit of a political junkie, but I hate conflict, so I never mention politics on my blog. I don't want to start any debates. Having said that, I just can't help complaining about Iowa and New Hampshire's favored status. Why do they always get to be first?
While listening to "All Things Considered" tonight on my way home from work, one of the reporters was talking about how generally well-informed Iowa voters are, and talked about one woman who'd made a point of going to see all the candidates speak.
Well, gee, isn't is nice that she had the opportunity to do that? The candidates spend days campaigning in Iowa. John Edwards visited every county twice. Of course she went to see all the candidates. Hell, the candidates came to her doorstep.
If a presidential candidate ventures into my state, Michigan, you can bet s/he is hours away from where I live. S/he'll stop in Detroit, or maybe someplace like Grand Rapids, and then head out to someplace else. If a candidate came anywhere near my county, you'd bet I'd go see him or her speak.
One time, Dan Quayle came to my hometown. Hoo-ray.
It just doesn't seem like a particularly equitable system when two small states get so much attention. How about a little diversity? Would that be such a bad thing?
Maybe I should just move to Iowa. I wonder if they say "pop" there, or if it's called "soda."
Posted in
Miscellany,
Rants
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Written on Monday, March 26, 2007 by Jessica
This is going to be one of those had-to-be-there things, but you'll be able to appreciate some of the humor, I'm sure.
I received this in my e-mail today, a letter to Procter and Gamble:
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f***ing kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness -- is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
Poor Wendi. She accidentally bought a box branded for teens:
http://www.beinggirl.com/en_US/happy/pages/index.jspHey, don't forget to wish
your friends a happy period:
http://www.beinggirl.com/en_US/happy/pages/ecards.jspWhen I discovered that this slogan -- have a happy period -- was real, well, my friends and I were crying tears of laughter. The e-cards had us rolling on the floor. Like I said, you had to be there.
Posted in
Darn funny,
Rants
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Written on Monday, March 12, 2007 by Jessica
I hate daylight saving time (DST). Springing forward is just wrong. I gotta say, though, that I love it with DST ends. That falling back business is awesome. I loves me an extra hour of sleep. We should always fall back. It's nicer (so says my sister).
Of course, I already know that it'll be years before I can enjoy falling back again. What is it with babies? Don't they know that falling back means an extra hour of sleep??
Posted in
Miscellany,
Motherhood,
Rants
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Written on Wednesday, February 07, 2007 by Jessica
This is just another Austen rant, so you're forgiven if you can't bear to plow through it.
I'm beginning to suspect that Linda Berdoll, the author of Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife, a so-called sequel to Pride and Prejudice, never even read the novel. Is it possible that she might skip the novel in favor of the miniseries, as do so many literature students? It's as if she read the first several chapters to familiarize herself with Austen's style and then tossed it aside. Her brief bio admits that "her interest in all things Austen was piqued by the BBC/A&E mini-series."
Certain telltale signs reveal that her story builds upon the miniseries, not the novel. For example, Mr. Collins is described as having "a perpetually most upper lip" which he must dab with a handkerchief drawn "from his sleeve." This characteristic doesn't exist in the novel, but in the miniseries we do in fact see him running around with a handkerchief in his sleeve that he uses to dab perspiration. And thus far, there is no mention of Mr. and Mrs. Collins's baby -- alluded to in the novel by a reference to a "young olive branch." The young olive branch might have been noted in the miniseries, but if so, Berdoll obviously overlooked it.
And the most aggregious violation of all, the one that prompted me to rant in this post: After Miss Darcy publishes a novel in Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife, Mr. Collins beings to fawn all over her, as if the publication of a novel gave her prestige. (Obviously it does not, because she is forced to use a pseudonym. The publication of novels is inappropriate for ladies.) He even produces storylines that he hopes she'll use in her future novels. This is completely opposite Mr. Collins's established character. In the orignal novel, he offers one night to read to the Miss Bennets. Someone suggests a novel, but he "protested that he never read novels." Novels were looked down upon as degenerate, especially by the clergy, who thought the racy storylines corrupted the sensibilities of the congregation. Therefore, Mr. Collins would have been quite disturbed to learn that Miss Darcy had taken to writing novels and would have "most strenuously advised against it," I am sure.
Posted in
Jane,
Rants
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Written on Wednesday, February 07, 2007 by Jessica
I didn't even know which blog to post this on. "Defy Comprehension" won: The other white milk.
Posted in
Breastfeeding,
Rants
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Written on Tuesday, January 16, 2007 by Jessica
For Christmas, Tiffani bought me a Pride and Prejudice (P&P) sequel, Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife.
I've never paid much attention to any of the P&P sequels, but I did have certain preconceived notions about them (I guess you could say I'm prejudiced):
Preconceived notion #1: The author would attempt to imitate Austen's intricate style and stilted language, but would fail.
Preconceived notion #2: The book would be nothing more than Darcy porn.
I had no idea just how right I would be. Take, for example, the book's opening paragraph.
As plush a coach it was, recent rains tried even its heavy springs. Hence, the road to Derbyshire was betimes a bit jarring. Mr. Darcy, with all gentlemanly solicitousness, offered the new Mrs. Darcy a pillow upon which to sit to cushion the ride.
I thought to myself, This can't be. The author can't be implying that Elizabeth, the new Mrs. Darcy, is sore after losing her virginity. First of all, Austen would never
ever allude to any such idea. And second, the text plainly says they are on the road to Derbyshire (the county in which Mr. Darcy lives). Given Mr. Darcy's wealth and stature, the newly married couple would have set off on a month-long honeymoon -- at least a month, probably longer! Elizabeth would certainly no longer need an extra pillow to cushion the ride. (I later gave this some thought, though, and wondered if the couple really would take a protracted honeymoon. After all, England was currently at war with France. Maybe it was too dangerous to sail to the Continent on pleasure bent.) And finally, even though Austen is known for intricate, stylized writing, this fluffy stuff doesn't sound a bit like her. Surely the author is at least trying to sound like Austen -- isn't she?
But the second paragraph says it all:
It [the pillow] was a plump, tasselled affair, not at all discreet. His making an issue of her sore nether-end was a mortification in and of itself. But, as Elizabeth harboured the conviction that she had adopted a peculiar gait as a result of her most recent (by reason of matrimony) pursuits, her much abused dignity forbade her to accept such a blatant admission of conjugal congress. Thus, the cushion was refused.
Good lord. Nether-end? And she's not just sore. She's walking funny! I'm horrified, yet highly amused.
I know what you're thinking. "Porn? Darcy porn? I'd hardly consider this pornographic." Oh, but let me take you to page 4:
As much as she endeavoured (and mightily did she endeavour), Elizabeth could not displace the image from her mind of her husband's body. Naked as God made him. And aroused.
Poor Jane. She must be trying to claw her way from the gave right now.
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Jane,
Rants
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