Unbelievably funny


Written on Monday, March 26, 2007 by Jessica

This is going to be one of those had-to-be-there things, but you'll be able to appreciate some of the humor, I'm sure.

I received this in my e-mail today, a letter to Procter and Gamble:

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f***ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness -- is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and KahlĂșa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Poor Wendi. She accidentally bought a box branded for teens:

Hey, don't forget to wish your friends a happy period:

When I discovered that this slogan -- have a happy period -- was real, well, my friends and I were crying tears of laughter. The e-cards had us rolling on the floor. Like I said, you had to be there.

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  1. Joanne |

    Branded for teens? All the ones I've bought ALL say that stupid slogan. Dumbest marketing idea I've ever heard of.

  2. A little of this and that.... |

    ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That email is frickin' brilliant and all I can say is this: I wish I had been the one to send it.

    LOVE IT!

  3. Anonymous |

    But I always have a happy period!! Yeah, as long as I have my sharp set of Ginsu knives next to me!!

    Love the letter though!!


  4. Christina |

    That was too funny. But it is so true that a man would want to remind you to be "happy" while you are in a haze of Advil.

    It is not fun when "you are holding court"

  5. Aunt Chris |

    Uncle Jon loved the George Foreman grill cure!!

  6. Aunt Chris |

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. Sherri Sanders |

    Looks like I won't be worrying about this for a while....

  8. Unknown |

    Wake up!! Where have you been? I check everyday and you're still on your period???


  9. Jessica |

    Heck, I haven't had a period for almost two years.

    But all right. Point taken. I'll post something new.

    Consider signing up for Bloglines . Then you won't have to check unless I've added something. :)


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