Today's special


Written on Wednesday, March 14, 2007 by Jessica

Today's special is artificial sustenance with a side a failure and dollop of disappointment. For our drink special we have guilt on tap, enough to swim in.

Formula has found its way onto the menu today. Freezer stores are gone, production hasn't increased. So formula it is.

On a rational level, I realize that formula isn't the end of the world, but that didn't keep me from crying yesterday when it became clear that I wouldn't make enough milk for today.

I might as well tell everyone the truth. I'm pretty insecure about being a mom (who isn't?), and breastfeeding was one thing I could point to as having done right. I might've had drugs during delivery, but by god, I breastfed. I might do a million things to cause irreversible emotional damage as he grows up, but at least I breastfed.

All the obstacles, pain, and difficulty -- well, they served to increase my pride for sticking with it. And now it's slipping away. I didn't make the year mark. Is my milk going to continue to dwindle to nothing?

I'm not giving up, not yet. I have More Milk Plus on order. I might even try Lactuca Virosa.

This post is such a downer I'm going to have a make a point of posting something a little happier.

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  1. Anonymous |


  2. Joanne |

    Don't give up! I am sure it will come back and you are a GREAT! mother breastfeeding or not. If it makes you feel any better-this week I a.)bonked Jamie in the head with the fridge door and left a little bruise and b.)dropped the shampoo bottle on his head. So-while your kid is adjusting to alternate forms of nutrition, I am knocking brain cells from mine. ! (It really sucks when you hurt your kid)

  3. A little of this and that.... |


    I understand completely. It's hard not to put pressure on yourself over stuff like this. It sounds like you frigging love this baby to dribbles and in the big skeem of life, that all that matters.

    You're doing awesome!!!!

  4. Jessica |

    Thanks, everyone, for the encouragement.

    Don't worry, Blue Girl, I'm sure the little bumps and bruises aren't as bad as you think. Thanks for the show of solidarity.

    Z. and This and That, thanks for the hugs. And you know what, I do love him to dribbles!

  5. Valerie |

    Sorry to hear that (hug), but eventually some people just stop producing. I made it 8 or 9 months before I just couldn't get any more out. At least you did it for as long as possible!!!!

  6. Jessica |

    Thanks, Val. After a few days, I did manage to gain some perspective in the matter. For example, at least formula is a nutritious alternative to breastmilk. Some women live places where they can barely feed their children after the milk dries up -- which happens far too soon after birth because of malnutrition.

    I'm glad to report that I'm still breastfeeding. I just have to supplement.

  7. Shana |

    Oh, I'm so sorry for the angst. It's so incredibly difficult to work and breastfeed, and you are doing a rockin' job, mama. The longest I ever made it with 100% breastmilk was 6 months -- if it makes you feel any better, you beat me by quite a bit!

  8. Jessica |

    Shana, I hate to admit it, but it does make me feel better -- not that I "beat you," but that I'm not the only one who's had trouble maintaining supply. I always thought you (and Val, too, for that matter) breastfed exclusively for the duration. Instead of feeling like a breastfeeding failure, I feel more like a typical working mom who has trouble maintaining supply while breastfeeding. A big thx to everyone for the encouragement.


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