Darcy porn

8

Written on Tuesday, January 16, 2007 by Jessica

For Christmas, Tiffani bought me a Pride and Prejudice (P&P) sequel, Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife.

I've never paid much attention to any of the P&P sequels, but I did have certain preconceived notions about them (I guess you could say I'm prejudiced):

Preconceived notion #1: The author would attempt to imitate Austen's intricate style and stilted language, but would fail.

Preconceived notion #2: The book would be nothing more than Darcy porn.

I had no idea just how right I would be. Take, for example, the book's opening paragraph.

As plush a coach it was, recent rains tried even its heavy springs. Hence, the road to Derbyshire was betimes a bit jarring. Mr. Darcy, with all gentlemanly solicitousness, offered the new Mrs. Darcy a pillow upon which to sit to cushion the ride.
I thought to myself, This can't be. The author can't be implying that Elizabeth, the new Mrs. Darcy, is sore after losing her virginity. First of all, Austen would never ever allude to any such idea. And second, the text plainly says they are on the road to Derbyshire (the county in which Mr. Darcy lives). Given Mr. Darcy's wealth and stature, the newly married couple would have set off on a month-long honeymoon -- at least a month, probably longer! Elizabeth would certainly no longer need an extra pillow to cushion the ride. (I later gave this some thought, though, and wondered if the couple really would take a protracted honeymoon. After all, England was currently at war with France. Maybe it was too dangerous to sail to the Continent on pleasure bent.) And finally, even though Austen is known for intricate, stylized writing, this fluffy stuff doesn't sound a bit like her. Surely the author is at least trying to sound like Austen -- isn't she?

But the second paragraph says it all:
It [the pillow] was a plump, tasselled affair, not at all discreet. His making an issue of her sore nether-end was a mortification in and of itself. But, as Elizabeth harboured the conviction that she had adopted a peculiar gait as a result of her most recent (by reason of matrimony) pursuits, her much abused dignity forbade her to accept such a blatant admission of conjugal congress. Thus, the cushion was refused.
Good lord. Nether-end? And she's not just sore. She's walking funny! I'm horrified, yet highly amused.

I know what you're thinking. "Porn? Darcy porn? I'd hardly consider this pornographic." Oh, but let me take you to page 4:
As much as she endeavoured (and mightily did she endeavour), Elizabeth could not displace the image from her mind of her husband's body. Naked as God made him. And aroused.
Poor Jane. She must be trying to claw her way from the gave right now.

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8 Comments

  1. Shana |

    Hee. My thought when I read this book was that the title should hav been "Mr. Darcy Takes A Wife Again, and Again, and Again".

    I watched the Keira Knightley version of P&P for the first time a few weeks ago and of course thought of you as I did. I quite enjoyed it. Judi Desch was a suitably imperious Lady Catherine and Knightley does indeed have fine eyes.

    I'm very impressed at your knowledge of the political state of affairs in England at the time of P&P, though not surprised.

     
  2. Jennifer |

    it's like when v.c. andrews died and her children/family/editors tried to continue writing her novels through some notes she had jotted down, and they used her name to keep selling. those books sucked. (her, right?)

     
  3. Jessica |

    Shana, what a perfect title! You ought to be an editor.

    I trekked down state to see the 2006 P&P film b/c it wasn't playing locally. I even went to the theater all by my lonesome to see it, which turned out to be a good thing, because mere moments into the film I gasped when something or other didn't match the book. Any poor unfortunate soul with me would've had to endure two hours of, "Oh, my god. It didn't happen that way in the book." "What?? Mary Bennett didn't say that line. Caroline Bingley is supposed to say that!" I'm a freak. I admit it. But I have to agree: Dame Judi was a fantabulous Lady Catherine.

    Jen,

    I always assumed V.C. Andrews was a woman, but I don't actually know. Okay, I looked it up just now b/c I can't go on in ignorance when I have a broadband connection at my fingertips. She is indeed a woman -- Virginia C. Andrews.

     
  4. Ms. Momma |

    HA-I second the VC Andrews thing. They just kept pumping out lousy books. I just wanted to say your page looks great! Like the new design.

     
  5. Jessica |

    Thx, Jen (Ms. Momma)!

     
  6. Valerie & Kiera |

    LOL...you crack me up! Darcy porn...hmmm, to continue reading or not? That is the question!

     
  7. Jessica |

    Oh, yes. I'll continue reading, for no other reason than to abuse the lousy writing and contrived storyline. And if Baby's Daddy is lucky, the salacious content might even put me in the mood. Seems unlikely, though. Poor Baby's Daddy. (The "mood"? What's that? If we're talking about "the mood" to collapse exhaustedly into bed each night, then we're in business.)

     
  8. Molly |

    I really liked Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife. Perhaps it veered away from true Austin, but then again times have changed. Writers can now write about more explicit content. Jane Austin was a modern woman for her time, so I doubt if she was alive today she would still be so modest in work. Besides what's the point of being married to Darcy if he doesn't take you again and again and again?

     

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